Back in the day I used to frequent a writer’s area on AOL. They frequently had writing contest in different categories. One humor contest had the contestants write a short spoof review of one of Shakespeare’s works. I took a different approach. It’s a bit embarrassing to me now, but here it is:
I just finished a great book. It’s O Hello, the almost tragic story of a phone sex girl named Doesshemoana. It begins when one of her callers, a fellow who dubbed himself King Lear, offers her extra money if he can just see her. He’s the kind of guy who needs to see who he’s talking to.
She finally tells Lear: “As You Like It. I’ll meet you and let you look at me, but only if we both bring a friend.”
Arrangements are made to meet in a small Hamlet owned by The Merry Wives of Windsor. The meeting had to take place later than Lear wanted because his best friend wasn’t in town. He was returning on a ship owned by The Merchant of Venice with The Two Gentlemen from Verona.
The ship was delayed because of The Tempest raging offshore, but finally, on The Twelfth Night after they were supposed to arrive, they got there.
The meeting took place the next day on June 21st. When Lear saw Doesshemoana he could hardly contain himself. “Wow!” he exclaimed, “You’re A Midsummer Night’s Dream if I ever saw one! Measure for Measure you’re the hottest woman I ever laid eyes on!” Antony and Cleopatra, Lear and Mona’s friends, also hit it off.
Little did Lear know that one of Mona’s other callers was jealous. Macbeth had been tapping Mona’s calls for months and just then he stepped out of the woods. It looked for sure to be Love’s Labour’s Lost when Macbeth exclaimed to his henchman “Julius Caesar!” But as Julius tried to seize her the whole thing turned into A Comedy of Errors. Julius tripped on his own shoelaces, and like the Brute he was, he fell on his own sword.
The whole thing turns back into Love’s Labour’s Won as Macbeth runs away. “All Well That Ends Well and you sure do end well,” Lear proclaimed as he leered at Mona’s backside. Mona slapped him for being fresh which only excited Lear the more. “You make Much Ado About Nothing, my dear,” Lear said, ” but that will make The Taming of the Shrew all the more fun.”
Six months later they were married. There is a whole chapter on their honeymoon titled “The Winter’s Tale” which makes this book almost cross genres. Nine months after their honeymoon, Lear and Mona had twins. Their names? Romeo and Juliet, of course.